I tend to think of myself as pretty strong given the things that I have endured in this little life of mine. I suppose I have what others have referred to as bounce back ability. Even though others refer to me that way, I know that I am quite sensitive in some areas. While I recognize that sensitivity, I have never really considered myself as fragile. However, I came to the realization over the past several weeks that maybe I am a bit fragile, and guess what? It’s ok!
If you follow me on social media, you know that the past few months have been quite adventurous for me. I have had some amazing opportunities and experiences during this time. While I have enjoyed these recent events and have been rewarded both personally and professionally by these experiences, I have also been disappointed by the lack of support from some of those I consider closest to me. They just don’t seem to be into what I am doing. Given my past dull to boring existence, the last few months have been nothing short of amazing in my own eyes, but I guess not so much to those around me. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that people will feel what they feel, and that what they feel may not be what I feel. However, being one who deals with feelings of rejection and being unworthy of love, such responses or lack thereof all feels the same on the receiving end.
My inner circle is quite small and I have come to a place in life where I don’t feel as if I need a lot support, most of the time. Ohhh, but when I need it…I NEED it! It seems as if some individuals that I considered important fell away during my time of celebration. While I am certain that they too have things going on that are just as important to them, and that they may not have been able to share in my celebration, it doesn’t make the pain any less real for me. The pain of feeling as if what I had going on was no big deal took a toll on me. By now I am sure you have read the short synopsis of my childhood. As a result of that childhood, all my life I have struggled with feeling like an afterthought. Not like I don’t matter at all, but that I am just not that important to any particular person. Yes, I even feel that way in my marriage at times. That’s not to say that my husband doesn’t love me, because I know he does. But there are times when I may need a little more attention than what he provides. At times, he can get so wrapped up in providing for our family that he forgets about the small tokens that mean the most to me. We have different love languages and sometimes we forget to give the other what they need. While I understand this concept in marriage, I never really considered it in any other relationships. I feel like I should explore this concept on a much broader level. (That could quite possibly be a post for a later date. )
I honestly contemplated being transparent about this issue. In fact, I sat on the idea for several weeks before I came to the conclusion that I NEEDED to be transparent about it. I know that I still have much growing to do in this area and that is why I am sharing it here with you. If you recall in my introduction, I shared with you that there are still areas that need healing in my life. Well, this is a major one and here we are! The purpose of this blog site is to help women deal with the pains of their past and live the abundant life that God has designed for them to live. I don’t believe I can do that without being completely transparent when talking about areas of my own life. Is it ironic that I still struggle with the very thing that I write about desiring to help others? I think not! I believe that God is strategic in that manner and that He uses the areas that we have the most experience in to help someone else along the way. I believe God uses our areas of weakness to cultivate within us the strength that we will need to get through the tough times in life. The Bible says that we overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). It is our testimony that helps others.
It’s easy to talk about the things we once struggled with after we have conquered them. But how much more of a blessing could we be to others if we were willing to share the pain while we are smack dab in the middle of it? How often are we transparent and show others what happens in the very moments of our struggle? I contemplated not talking about this pain and the dark place in which I found myself for the past month, but was reminded by my mentor and friend that God is not asking me to only share in the times when I am feeling my best. He also desires to use the not so pretty moments to help others understand they are not alone. It is my prayer to help others not only letting them know that, “I have been there”, but that I may in fact be right there with you at this very moment. Brene Brown, who happens to be one of my favorite author’s, often speaks on the power of vulnerability. “We’ve all fallen, and we have the skinned knees and bruised hearts to prove it. But scars are easier to talk about than they are to show…rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing” (Rising Strong, pg. 24, Brene Brown). I have to believe there is strength in my vulnerability and that someone will be helped by the things that I share on this blog; even the hard things I find myself confronting.
Over the past couple of months, I have experienced the happiness I thought I would as a result of my most recent adventures. However, I also experienced great disappointment as a result of the expectations I put on those experiences. While considering my feelings and the lessons that God wants to teach as a result of this pain, I have come to consider the thin line between disappointment and surrender. Disappointment in a thing indicates my own expectations rather than my total dependence and surrender of that thing to God. The purpose behind my experiences was not for me to rejoice with those closest to me like I expected to do, but rather to get a glimpse into the reality for which God created me. While I was focusing on the responses or non-responses of others, I was missing the response of God. I got so caught up in what I needed physically and emotionally from others that I could not see what He was trying to show me. For years, I prayed to understand my purpose in life. Now, here I was walking it out and yet, I found myself caught up in things that don’t really matter. God needed to show me that I don’t need the things that I so desperately desire from others in order to fulfill the purpose for which He created me.
Realizing that caused me to take a deeper look and question my own motives. Was I negating the value of my assignments based on my own expectations? Was I simply trying to feed my own ego with these expectations? Did I still need the validation from others that I thought I had overcome? Was I looking for another temporary fix to fill that space that only God can fill, much like instances in the past? Iyanla Vanzant once said, “every time we find ourselves in a new situation, everything that requires healing will rush to the surface. It is then that we must take the time to center ourselves, breathe and pray in order to have the right response. These things will keep us from doing what we have always done.” Looking back on the pain, that is exactly where I found myself. Staring the same issues of my past, dead in the face! I had gotten so wrapped up in the new elements of life that I didn’t recognize how I was using those things to provide the feelings I so desperately wanted years ago and that I thought I had gotten over. I found myself back in the place of vulnerability and disappointment while looking for validation and acceptance in others.
The same validation and acceptance I desired for so many years, I found myself looking for during this time as well. I once again found myself looking to others for something that God wants to provide for me. I found myself overwhelmed by the newness of my experiences and saddened by the lack of support from those I thought would have been the most supportive. And guess what? It took me out! It knocked me right off my block! Instead of embracing the unfamiliar, I found myself overcome by that which was far too familiar. All my failures and fears, insecurities and inconsistencies, pain of the past and all those feelings of being unloved came rushing to the surface. The pain of feeling unsupported by those in my small circle was more than I could bear and peace in that area once again seemed so far away.
While walking this thing out, I continue to take my hurt to God. I am learning more and more about myself and how I deal with this area of pain in my life. While, I had come to understand my dependence on others in the past and felt as if I had overcome in this area, God continues to show me that healing is an ongoing process. It does not happen overnight and it will require constant work. I have once again found excitement about the process as I am finding strength and learn more about my healing with each passing day. I know this may not have been the type of post you were looking for, but I pray it blesses you. Perhaps you can identify with my area of weakness and truly understand this journey. If so, I pray that God continues to cover us as we fight through the pain and allow God to continue to do the work that only He can do. I pray that He uncovers and reveals all that He desires for us to know about ourselves, about others and most importantly about Him. I pray for peace and that we are strengthened daily on this journey. Protected Hearts, be encouraged! For we are all a work in progress…
Questions for Reflection:
Are there areas of pain in your life that you find require continuous work?
Do you find you learn more and more about what it means to be healed in that area with each set back?
How has God used that particular area of your life to minister to others?
Scripture Reference: James 1: 2-5 NIV
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.