You may be wondering why the name Protected Heart. As women we often guard our hearts from those we feel will do us harm. Those who could be considered hurting women, perhaps as a result of having experienced some of the most traumatic events, have a greater propensity to protect their hearts even more. For many, things dealt with in childhood have long lingering effects. These experiences shape who we are as women and we often carry that baggage into our adult relationships, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Our childhood experiences have a tendency to shape our views more than we care to admit. We often try to pretend the things that have hurt us in previous years don't have any bearing on who we are or how we view things in the present. When in fact, the way we view and interact with others, our communication style, the way we see the world and the way we see ourselves, are all dependent on things we may or may not have experienced as a child.
As a child I often felt abandoned because I was not raised by either of my parents. My younger years were unsettled as I felt caught in the middle of an ugly custody battle between them. My parents, who were never married or even had a civil relationship for that matter, were battling to determine who would retain custody of me. Although I was the subject of this battle, I was, quite honestly, merely a casualty of their war. The situation was not really about me. It was a battle of wills and the ability to come out on top. As a result, I spent years shuffling back and forth between living with my grandmother, my father or my baby sitter until I finally landed with my father's mother and her husband at the age of nine. Although my grandparents loved and cared for me to the best of their ability, their love for me could never replace that of my parents. While I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly, nothing could satisfy the void within. My parents each had their own lives that didn’t seem to include me. My father literally lived right around the corner from us with a live in girlfriend, her son and her granddaughter; while my mother lived across town with an on again, off again husband and their two daughters. I learned early on how to smile and act as if everything was okay. All while hiding this deep nagging pain caused by the rejection and abandonment I felt. Now, I don’t tell you these details for you to feel sorry for me. Believe me, there are so many details to this story that a blog would never hold them all. I share them because I need for you to understand the sentiment of my heart.
The things that I experienced as a child taught me how to shelter my heart from others. I didn't let anyone into those intimate places. Relationships were meant to be kept at a distance; never allowing anyone into that space that had been forsaken by my parents. I never wanted to feel that pain again, so I purposefully and strategically kept others at bay. I wanted so desperately to avoid pain that I refused to allow people to invade my personal space. In doing so, I completely closed off particular areas of my heart.
It wasn't until a particular situation presented itself that I was faced with confronting those feelings I had buried deep down inside. I was well into my adult life, a wife and a mother by the time this situation caused me to face the feelings I had concealed for so many years. I had vowed early in my life that I would not let the happenings of my past affect my relationships as an adult, and yet, here I was digging up the past in order to cope with the present. Opening up to these feelings meant revisiting those dark places that I vowed I would never return to. Revisiting those places, however, allowed me to realize just how much I had guarded my heart. While I knew that I had no desire to let others in too deep, I didn't know that I had buried certain parts of my heart so deep that even God himself found it a challenge to reach.
I never realized that protecting my heart from others was also causing me to shut God out. As a child, my grandparents made sure that I attended church regularly. I learned all of the wonderful things about God's love that the Bible could teach, but I never considered that I hadn’t actually experienced that love until I was forced to dig up all of these feelings that had been buried deep in the crevices of my heart. Now, as I confronted these feelings, I found myself having to admit that I had indeed chosen to only allow God into certain areas of my life just as I had everyone else. Although I never intended for that to be the case, it was indeed the reality I was faced with. I never intended to put God in the box with everyone else, but that is exactly what I had done. I had boxed God in. Only allowing him access to the parts I felt comfortable sharing. Now that I was aware of my actions, I had to make a choice. Do I stay stuck, ignoring the past and the grave impact it had on my life or, do I revisit the past and allow God to reveal an abundance of peace and truth to me just as he promised in Jeremiah 33:6. The choice was mine; no one else could walk this path for me. From the outside looking in, others may never have guessed this was my reality. But it was my truth and I had to come to grips with it if I was going to live the abundant life God intended for me to live.
Thankfully, God does not hold against us the time it takes for us to come to the realization that we are in need of healing. Instead, he is gracious and gives us just what we need to move forward. I am grateful that the pain of digging up those feelings allowed me to see how different life could be if I allowed God to protect my heart instead of me trying to do it on my own. My version of protection meant shutting others, and all of the good that life had to offer, out. I can’t tell you how many blessings I missed out on by what I considered to be “protecting” myself. My shielding caused me to miss out on opportunities and relationships that could have enhanced my life for the better, but I was too blind to see it.
For years I had protected my heart from everyone, including God. A choice I made based on feelings that I didn’t understand as a child. That choice caused me to live beneath my potential. That’s right, I allowed someone else’s mishandling of me to dictate my outcome. But I am grateful that over time, God revealed his love for me and allowed me to release the feelings of resentment, anger, fear and abandonment. His word tells us that “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close” (Psalm 27:10). I am thankful to have finally experienced the love that I learned about as a child. The love that allows me to live freely, no longer closed off to others. God has shown me how to allow others into my space while letting Him do the protecting. Although my heart is still protected, it is no longer hidden and it is open to receive all that is available to me. The Bible tells us that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds…(Philippians 4:7). So, Protected Heart no longer refers to the meaningless efforts I exhibited to keep others at bay. It now refers to the loving, caring provision of the Father and His ability to protect my heart while at the same time allowing all of life’s blessings to chase me down. I pray that you too, allow God to dig up those dark, hidden places and shine the light of his glory and grace in the most intimate places of your heart. I pray that you allow him to protect your heart as only He can.
Reflection:
Can you think of situations that have caused you to protect your heart from others?
Have those situations also caused you to close God out of those intimate areas that He so desperately wants to heal?
Do you recognize areas that could be positively impacted by addressing areas of past hurts?
What steps can you take to open your heart to those feelings you have hidden?
Are there others you can share your feelings with that will allow you to release the burden of past hurts without judgement?
Prayer for Release:
Father, I thank you for your love and grace and for always caring for us even when others don’t know how to do so. I thank you that we can come to you in our times of need and that you will cover us as only a Father can. I pray that you will release the pain of rejection and abandonment and that you help us to realize just how vast, how wide, and how deep your love is for us. Father, release us from the burden of protecting our hearts from those we feel will harm us and teach us to trust in your guidance. I pray that we allow you to be Lord in our lives and that we allow you to protect our hearts as only you can. In Jesus’ name, Amen.